Dear Mr. Parsons

There are times in life where something is so bad, so utterly, terribly, outrageously bad that it is near impossible to react immediately afterwards. Such was the case a few weeks ago when I saw the video rant posted by Ms. Alexandra Wallace about Asians in the Library, and now again after reading this letter to the editor by a Mr. Jeffrey Parsons about Mr. Roger Ebert’s scathing review of Battle: L.A.

From Jeffrey Parsons:

I read your temper tantrum about “Battle: Los Angeles,” and just thought I’d send you a note.

First, I’m a former national merit scholar with a degree in engineering. And I’ve worked as an engineer and as a leader of engineers for well over a decade. So I feel very comfortable not only asserting my intelligence, but also in claiming to be smarter than you. My wife is a concert violinist and teacher who speaks three languages. I feel safe saying she’s also smarter than you.

We both enjoyed “Battle: Los Angeles.” It was exactly the movie it promised to be. And it was fun from beginning to end.

I could engage in a very detailed rebuttal of your ‘review’, pointing out things like your two-and-one-half star review of” Independence Day” (which seems to indicate that ‘stick figure’ enemies faced by American heroes didn’t always drive you into a blind rage). More to the point, I could laugh at your idiotic four-star review of “Green Zone,” as that seems more relevant (I imagine if there had been a scene of a US soldier raping a stick figure alien, or perhaps it were revealed that George Bush set the whole thing up, you’d have loved “B:LA”).

But that’s all really beside the point. Because while I could point out your flaws as a movie reviewer — and they are numerous — and how you let your poorly-thought-out ideology infest everything you do now, like a child who has learned a new swear word, the real problem is that you’re just a joyless asshole. You clearly don’t enjoy movies anymore, if you ever did (there are many who think that even failed screenwriters such as yourself don’t become critics primarily because they can’t write, but because they’re narcissistic and believe their failure to be the fault of a ‘system’ that does not respect their greater talent, so they channel that anger into nitpicking the work of more capable people … but I digress).

I’d wish bad things on you, Roger, but frankly I can’t imagine anything worse than what you are.

But just a few words of advice: when you find yourself in a position where your only argument is that everyone but you is an ‘idiot’ (by the way, are all your readers idiots? Because they’ve voted the movie much higher than you), it’s time to retire. Then you can spend all day retweeting HuffPo headlines! Think how happy you’ll be.

"Well," I thought to myself after it all sank in, "how about I just write a nice little faux letter back to Mr. Parsons, just to show him how appreciated such an enlightened and intelligent response such as his evoked the most intelligent of intelligent discussions possible only capable of smart people?"

So I did. 

Dear Mr. Parsons, 

There are times in life where someone’s stupidity shines so brightly on their forehead that I am forced to wear sunglasses as to avoid getting cataracts. 

Mr. Parsons, you are by far one of the most incompetent writers I have ever read. It is almost out of sheer luck that you are a engineer since your idiocy in the realm of outstandingly bad ad hominem attacks would have crippled any self-respecting English or Rhetoric department that was as unfortunate as to produce you as an alumni, and would have forced them into seppuku or self-blinding for the sake of saving face and reputation. But even then I am being unkind to the Engineering department from whence you spawned from since I am confident they themselves are tenfold more competent and intelligent than you believe yourself to be. 

Mr. Parsons, while I could point out your flaws as a writer and a person and how you let your poorly-thought-out ideology infest everything you touch like herpes, or that you are like a child who has recently discovered fart and boob jokes, the real problem is that you’re just a goddamn idiot. You clearly don’t appreciate the processes known as critical, logical, or even rational thought anymore, if you ever did (there are many who think that even poor excuses of smucks such as yourself don’t accomplish anything significant after becoming a national merit scholar over ten years ago because your life has since stagnated into mediocrity, but because you’re narcissistic and believe your mediocrity and insignificance to be the fault of a ‘system’ that does not respect your greater talent, so you channel your stupidity into nitpicking the work of people a thousand-fold more knowledgable of a art form you could never ever dream of comprehending even in a thousand year lifespan… but I digress). 

I’d hope to find stupider things than you, Mr. Parsons, but frankly I can’t imagine anything more stupidly blubbering than what you are. 

But just a few words of advice: when you find yourself in a position where your only argument is that anyone that dislikes what you like is an idiot and an asshole, it’s time to take your head out of your own ass and to retire from ever engaging in anything remotely intelligent. Then you can spend all day swimming in your own spew of self-righteousness and stupidity! Think how happy you’ll be. 

Love, and earnestly so, 

Q. Le