Why Stupid Parents should be Banned from Movie Theaters
Maybe I’m being harsh, but the last straw of my patience snapped when I went to see The Social Network at the local theater last Saturday with my mother. The movie was a great experience – what ruined it was a small little girl who cried and wailed and thrashed and screamed throughout the entire movie.
I understand that it may be hard to get a babysitter, or that you may not get the chance often to go out, or maybe your kid actually behaves well on a day to day basis, but let’s get this straight: it’s called a movie theater for a reason, the same reason why people don’t talk or text on their cell phones during theater performances, or bring small children who can’t handle all of the visual and auditory stimulation because hey, it’s called theater etiquette – you’re not the only audience member, and like hell is the audience or performers going to tolerate you.
I have nothing against small children who are frightened by what they see on screen for whatever reason – I have everything against parents who bring them to movies otherwise age-inappropriate, or don’t even have the common decency to take out a wailing child for the remainder of time when they’re screaming “mommy I’m scared! I’m scared mommy I wanna go home! Mommy please!!!” The MPAA doesn’t exist for no reason; and despite their own hypocrisy and inconsistency, they at least provide some inkling of a standard for perhaps what movie is appropriate for which age group, and why. So when you’re bringing your two-year-old to a PG-13 movie that involves guns, explosions and scary moments that are sure to trigger your child into a screaming fit, I’d say you’re racking your credit up to stupidparentville.
I have seen parents commit some of the worst parental atrocities to date. I’ve seen parents stuff their children with bottles, soda, candy, popcorn, anything possibly chewable or edible to make them quiet (this seldom, if ever, works); I’ve seen parents let their children run amok the theater as if it were their personal playground; I’ve seen parents grab their wailing child and attempt to muffle them, forcing to stare at the screen as explosions and monsters flash by; I’ve even seen parents behaving as badly as children, where I once mistook a middle-aged mother as a pre-pubescent middle schooler whose vocabulary was limited to “like” and “seriously” and “ohhh mahhh god” as her children snacked so loudly their crunching mandibles were effectively the movie’s soundtrack.
Oh yes, I have seen the horror. And horror has got to stop.
We need to remember that movie theater is communal, that they don’t just put those “please don’t add your own soundtrack” and anti-cell phone pre-ads for no other reason than to sound check. And most of all, it needs to become acceptable to get up, go to idiot parent who tries to suffocate their child with Twizzlers from screaming and tell them “GET OUT” without breaking some sort of social etiquette that these idiots have violated to begin with.
What are bad movie parents teaching their children? More specifically, what is a child going to take away from the movie theater if mommy ignores their plea to go home for whatever reason possible?
My mom only dragged my sorry butt out of a theater once. After hearing classmates talk about how awesome The Lost World was, I promptly convinced my mom that “we had to go see it because a T-rex bites off some guy’s head and it’s HILARIOUS and AWESOME.” We paid the whole nine yards in movie tickets, and twenty minutes into the movie I was screaming my ass off so loudly my mom promptly cuffed me by the shirt, dragging me (and my disgruntled brothers) out of the theater into the parking lot. “Next time, THINK before you jump into a movie you’re not ready for – it’s embarrassing to have to leave because you can’t control yourself!” she scolded me as I quivered in the backseat, wondering if T-rex’s would be walking down the street behind my backyard. She was right of course: I learned to not get in over my head (or up my own ass regarding my threshold for gore), and indirectly learned that a lack of control is not tolerable in any place, especially when other people have paid just as much as you had. Throw a fit, and my ass went home; if I was scared, mom was there, and home we would go.
That lesson has stuck with me all these years later. Unfortunately, though, my doubts about humanity’s commonsense have dwindled of late after seeing other parents effectively torture their kids with movies they can’t handle.
There are some parents who just don’t give a crap, establishing it very well that they’re willing to ignore their child’s needs so long as they get to stare at a screen for some duration of time. I once went with one of my best friends to see Star Trek at the aforementioned Dollar Theater. My friend was very excited since she’d never seen the movie, and had wanted to for quite some time. It would’ve have been a terrific movie experience, except a mother decided it was a smart move to bring in her toddler son who could barely walk. The entire duration every moment on screen was paired with “MOMMY PLEASE I’M SCARED I WANNA GO HOME PLEASE MOMMY I’M SCARED” every ten seconds. Even as he begged and screamed and wailed to go home, his mother sipped her soda and casually put her hand over his mouth, as if to say “look sonny I know you’re scared but mommy wants to watch Chris Pine grace the screen with his nice ass.” As I gritted my teeth and sat in my seat feeling bad for my friend (who was also infuriated), I wondered if the little boy would grow to fondly remember his mother as the lady who ignored him whenever he cried because she wanted to get a fine look at some actor’s ass.
Then you have parents who let their kid wander around the theater like it’s the jungle gym. Back in Spring 2010 my friends and I went to see Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland in 3D (not my decision, but majority rules rule beat my resistance to the obviously retrofitted overcharge). I remember the movie mostly as a visual fest, as well as a unintended side show as one, two toddlers walked up and down the aisles, babbling baby noises as their mothers crunched on popcorn and stared aimlessly at the screen, only once getting out of their seat when the toddler had walked halfway up their aisle stairs and another time when the baby’s screams effectively blocked out any dialogue from being audible. This again went on for the entire duration of the movie, where no amount of “dude your kid––!” whispers made an impact to make the mothers realize that everyone in the audience was angrily glaring at them for wasting a already expensive 3D experience into a bigger ripoff.
I have seen parents, too, who somehow think it is sheer genius to bring a toddler who can’t even speak into a R-rated movie. About a year ago I found myself watching Mel Gibson in Edge of Darkness, and couldn’t help but notice a couple of parents had a toddler waddling around the theater as Mr. Gibson shot bad guys and splattered blood left to right. At first I was surprised that the little baby was quiet, all until I realize he couldn’t talk because his parents were stuffing his tiny mouth with handfuls of popcorn and candy so he couldn’t talk. I found myself wondering “is this where childhood obesity starts as well?” as the toddler went “blubhblubhblubhblubhbbb” around the theater as if it were a playground, his parents oblivious as they auto-piloted the popcorn face stuffing, their eyes glazed and glued to the screen.
Perhaps one of the most annoying episodes is when a parent behaves just as badly (if not worse) than an already badly behaving child. When I went to see 9 the entire viewing experience was wasted not only because the film itself was mediocre, but because I had to listen to a family who couldn’t seem to grasp the concept of “quiet enjoyment” and felt that the entire theater had to hear their witty commentary. The worst commentator sat right behind me, her obnoxious voice already shrill enough as she said “OHHH MAHH GAWD THAT’S SOOOOOOO TRIPPEEE” and “DUUUUUUUDEEEE” during the numerous action sequences. I thought to myself “it’s probably some precocious middle schooler who thinks they’re being smart and funny if the whole damn world hears them.” It turns out I was right, save for the fact that it wasn’t a middle schooler – it was the mother of the babbling family, the woman who insisted on eating loud candy and chewing popcorn with her mouth open as her children followed suit. My immediate preceding thought became “so that’s where idiots like you come from – they learned from idiot parents like you when they’re kids.”
This lack of movie theater etiquette has got to stop. Parents need to have some commonsense in their heads, to know that having a child means you may not be able to see that PG-13 or R-rated movie that everyone’s been raving about, or that you might have to take your kid out of the theater even if a PG or G-rated movie somehow prompts their unnamed phobias. Being a parent means sacrifice, and you have to accept that – otherwise what are you teaching your kids if you neglect them to screaming and wailing for two hours straight?
I propose, too, that movie theaters place a new rule that accounts for these kinds of episodes. If somebody’s child is so disruptive as to ruin the movie for everyone in the audience, management should have the right to ask them to leave and provide a voucher for the same movie or another in the future (though to avoid abuse of the system, a limit should be placed so parents simply think more before bringing their small child to a potentially scary movie). If this system were in place, parents wouldn’t feel as bad for leaving in the middle of the movie (I know most of it has to do with money, especially given how expensive tickets are these days. But seriously if you’re going to a dollar theater where tickets cost at most two dollars, have some common courtesy!), and audience members wouldn’t be as hesitant to ask someone to leave or request management to talk to said members (this would also reduce the numerous temptations to bludgeon someone with a popcorn bucket, let alone a giant soda or half eaten hot dog).
This stupidity has got to stop. It’s endemic to the moviegoing experience, perpetuating itself with subsequent generations of stupid parents effectively traumatizing their child into thinking “if mommy and daddy are occupied with something no amount of crying will rouse them” or “it’s ok to scream and wail and thrash in the movie theater because mommy and daddy don’t care.” The movie theater business needs to change, too, to accommodate the unfortunate cases where a child randomly acts up and to prevent future cases of stupid parents thinking a R-rated movie with gross amounts of blood and gore isn’t going to somehow cause their two-year-old to go into a screaming fit.
I end this all, however, with a shred of hope. After seeing Sylvain Chomet’s The Illusionist, I conclude that there are still parents out there who are sensitive and knowledgeable enough about their child and what movie will work for them. It was to my great surprise that there was even a child in the audience, given how Chomet refuses to indulge in the typical American fare of ADD/candy-stuffed animation, and was even more surprised by how thrilled said child was throughout the entire movie, his giggles and laughs a pleasant reminder of how lovely the film really was.
So I thank you smart parents, for keeping my pessimism at bay while I finish writing this, and thank you for reminding that kids are more than capable of theater etiquette.
If you’d like to share your worst movie experience involving upset kids or stupid parents or both, feel free to comment or send me an email !
Note: the above facebook pictures are screenshots of my friends’ numerous responses to my exasperated status update. Thanks to everyone who contributed :)
